from an abandoned project about werewolf mafiosos.
I originally researched and composed these incredible cooking tips and tricks back when I thought Twitter was a viable method to inject humor and joy into the Internet. Sadly, they included too few Kanye-ordained hashtags and no one read them.
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-the origins of counting off seconds with “1 mississippi, 2 mississippi…” comes from the magnolia state’s ability to bud asexually.
-kentucky resembles a giant fried chicken drumstick. everyone in kentucky loves fried chicken. even the fried chickens.
-connecticut was originally called “connectifour” and was owned in its entirety by game pioneer & eccentric billionaire milton bradley.
- montana has the highest number of 1-legged citizens in the country. no shoe store has ever remained in business for more than 6 weeks there.
-ohio keeps all of its criminals in a giant floating prison high above cleveland. it is called “the hell away from home” & people die there.
-georgia, or “the flatulence state,” ironically has the cleanest air of all the other states within “the hillfolk initiative.”
-minnesota was the last state to be accepted into the union, mainly because everyone else was SO sick of it going on & on about prince.
-oregon can pop a mean wheelie. ask it sometime to show you, just make sure its mom isn’t around.
-1790 marked the emergence of the self-flagellation via polecat fad, invented in new york because already its people had given up on life.
-pennsylvania has heard every single transylvania joke you have to offer. no, seriously, don’t even try. they’ve heard that one, too.
-kansas is home to the world’s only solipsism institute, although the claim is highly disputed by the imaginary friends of zuul society.
-california will never stop being california, man. you’re, like, talking to a brick wall of cool, man.
- gen. washington did not cross the delaware river as the painting depicts. he crossed the entire state of delaware. in a boat. with his mind.
-hawaii has proposed a law that would make it illegal for non-natives to pronounce the glottal stop in their name. gawd, you sound SO white.
-in colorado, marrying a horse for love is considered taboo. but marrying a horse for its inheritance money is shrewd financial planning.
-a common myth is that there’s no scurvy in florida. but most floridians are scorbutic wretches since they know what goes into their oranges.
- sen. thabian batch once proposed a canal connecting his home state of missouri to kansas (which he famously referred to as “diet arkansas”).
-louisiana is famous for its selection of delectable gumbos, including shrimp gumbo, creole gumbo, cajun gumbo & missing hobo gumbo.
- in an effort to maintain modesty, iowa passed a law that requires farmers to affix tiny khaki trousers onto each of their stalks of corn.
- as well as being the hoosier state, indiana is also a verb. it means “to leave bits of foil seal around the edges of a peanut butter jar.”
- maine has more mark twain impersonators than any other state. this is most likely due to the numerous mark twain impersonator farms there.
-up until 1888, maryland was known as marieland & all people named marie were granted god-like psychic powers upon crossing the state line.
-before settling on new mexico, the land of enchantment considered new khandahar, new newfoundland, new hueylewisandthenews & new ohio.
- if you want to witness someone kill someone with a pool noodle, look no further than utah, the pool noodle murder capital of the world.
- nevada is not a real state. it was constructed for the film “post-apocalyptic babes with boob guns” due to tax write-offs & then deserted.
-wyoming has real dust bunnies. don’t touch them, though; they cause mutagenic elbow cancer.
-virginia has never had sex.
-in tennessee, it is not not common to practice double negatives.
- the oldest state in the country is rhode island, however it used to be in italy and was called rome for a long time, so it doesn’t count.
- and jared begat enoch who begat methuselah who begat lamech who begat a little state you might’ve heard of called texas.
-don’t let the rest of the states fool you, idaho really isn’t all that into potatoes. it’s just this thing they do, you know?
- arkansas has 1457959 women & all of them are totally psycho just like patty who was this girl from arkansas i dated one time who was psycho.
-the official, state-sanctioned spelling of “oklahoma” contains over twenty-five O’s.
-massachusetts is not a state. it’s also technically not a commonwealth. technically, massachusetts is a wacky-ass-lookin’ clump of dirt.
- michigan provides all of its orphans with bit parts in musical theater productions of “oliver!” all over the country. just not in michigan.
-in illinois, you can be fined heavily for looking the state bird in the eye. the illinois state bird is limestone.
-“new hampshire: where the hobbits roam” became the shortest-lived state slogan in US history.
-don’t let the name fool you: north dakota contains less than 1% natural dakota juice. the rest is high fructose dakota syrup.
-west virginia tastes different depending on the current season. try licking a swath of territory and see for yourself!
-south carolina is actually north carolina in bizarro world. and it’s also a giant pile of flowers instead of garbage.
-in the future, vermont will be encased in a petrified maple syrup nugget & richard attenborough will drill into it & create “vermont park.”
-south dakota regularly swaps out the faces on mt. rushmore. previous cameos include bob dole & the rock baby from “neverending story 2.”
-they use nebraska as a means of torture. and just who are ‘they’? you’ll never know. just don’t go to nebraska, man. don’t.
-fun fact!: alaska is actually two states. alaska and tim burton presents alaska. one is generally more johnny deppish than the other.
- it would take 473 wisconsins stacked end for end (minus the height of the wisconsin alps) in order to reach venus (the wisconsin of space).
-new jersey, or, the smiley face emoticon state, is perhaps best known for being the birthplace of harpsichord puking.
-arizona remains the only state in the nation to teach witchcraft in schools. then again, arizona considers velcro to be sorcery.
- washington would like to take this opportunity to formally apologize to the rest of the country for the actions of one, s. meyer. sorry.
- in alabama it’s illegal to kiss your wife on the 2nd sunday of any month ending in –y, but only if you’re married to a coloradoan horsewife.
- some folks say you can still catch a glimpse of north carolina on nights when the moon hits the gigantic H-bomb crater just right.
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wishing happy birthdays on facebook got boring a long time ago.
this blog rises from the deepest depths of death to present to you our age-old tradition of never buying birthday cards.
here’s a barfing zombie i did for an iphone app. a slightly different version was ultimately chosen, but i prefer this one.
MRS STELLA HANDS REPLIED BACK WITH PICTURES.
I have a good mind to add that Mrs Stella Hands to My Circles.